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TekkamanEndless
read my profile sign my guestbook Name: Doug Country: United States State: Delaware Birthday: 3/21/1985 Gender: Male Message: message meEmail: email me Website: visit my website AIM: OmaeNoSaigo Member Since: 9/29/2004

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

1:31 PM - 44 views - 4 eprops - 2 comments - email it

Monday, September 05, 2005

	Kintaro Oe ...is the name of my new ride. He has replaced Chidori, my old friend. What am I talking about? Well, I'm going to plug the new T-shirts that I'll be selling soon: Gas Can Kiss My Ass That's right. No more driving for me. It's all bike. And yes, that means about an average of 30 miles per day. Study study study study study...
	10:40 PM - 87 views - 6 eprops - 7 comments - email it

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

10:20 AM - 30 views - 4 eprops - 6 comments - email it

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Spending my free time

...is what I'm doing now.

So,basically, I don't count on anything awesome coming up and being noteworty after the Great Cabin Adventrue. That was just amazing.

However, I was driving home from Crystal last night, and I was making
the power turn up Faukland Road, I saw a hitch-hiker-looking guy on the guardrail. So, I parked my car, grabbed the uber-flashlight, and went to check it out. I found the guy almost at the top of Faukland, and he wasn't looking so hot. It turned out that he had been drinking at his buddy's house, and he was walking home. I offered to drive him, and I told him to stay put; I'd be right back.

I drove up, and he was gone. I looked around for a bit, and I found a silhouette down the road, so I drove up, and there he was! He got in the car, and we headed off for Arundel. It turns out that today was his birthday, and he and the wife were having some issues, and he went partying, knew that it was time to quit, and decided to walk three or four miles home. He was a bus driver for a couple of places.

Anyway, I got him home, and it looked like he got in all right, and I found my pineapple things at PathMark!

Brent, the things were:
1) Variety melon,
2) Salt & garlic rice,
3) Rumble toilet.

12:24 AM - 39 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Friday, August 19, 2005

The Great Cabin Adventure

Now that the three acts of the GCA have been e-mailed to everyone, they're up here for enjoyment and pain.

***
The GCA, Act I: Now Entering The Middle Of Nowhere
***

___And, as promised, we present to you the most amazing, most
mind-numbing, most outlandishly exciting, most long-windedly
trail-blazing e-mail ever to spam your inbox!

___YEAH IT IS!

___As a bit of a prelude to what is to follow, Doug got an e-mail from
Kim that went a little something like this: "My aunt has a cabin up in
Bumblefuck, PA. Invite all of our friends and let's go up." Surely
enough, Bumblefuck is in Pennsylvania. They had a go for this mission.
Doug then ran through the immensely long list of his friends,
reprinted below:
* Karol
* Brent
I hope that you didn't print that last part out--it must have used up
all of your ink.

___After watching the new Star Wars movies, we all now know that
prequels suck, so back to the story.

___Doug and Karol formed a party and leveled a few times on the "Move
Crystal from Point A to Point B" quest in Act I. Then they traveled to
town and bought some mana potions from Seven Eleven, and then they
went town-hugging to Kim's house. There, they partied up with Brent.

___Brent got to Kim's house, bringing with him everything in the world that could fit in his car, including, but not limited to, a kitchen sink. He found Kim (who left to fight with UD in the Cold Plains), and then walked around Kim's house waiting for Doug and Karol to show up so they could all quest together. He explored the inside of the house armed with a beer and a machete when... SURPRISE! It was Jen, Kim's housemate, in her underwear. Hello. Jen quickly exclaimed "OH SHIT" and ran like a fallen away to her room.

___Doug and Karol arrived, and Karol started throwing the machete at trees, and then attacked the lesser tree minions with back-handed swings. While he was shopping, Brent stole a "Support Our Troops" ribbon from a car that had 6 of them on it, and Doug hacked it to pieces with his l33t computer hacking skills. And a machete.

YEAH HE DID!

___After packing Kim's car to the roof with clothes and rice, they set
out on their journey around 1:30pm. The highlight of the entire
weekend was the 10 miles of Amish Country on 896. The speed and
intensity with which the Amish work is astounding. Who would have
thought that a piece-of-shit cart with an animal
strapped to it could move at breath-taking speeds of
get-the-hell-out-of-our-way?

___Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and our four
heroes left Amish Country for better places. Brent, who could not bear
to leave, became a Super Saiyan and used his super-powers to will
things Amish. The technique for his move, if you must know, is as
follows:
Step 1: Wave hands in general direction of target.
Step 2: Oh, you'll see.
Step 3: Say "Amished!"
Brent spent the next 6 hours Amishing any and all passers-by.
Normally, this would not be an issue, but Amishing something generally
means that it now turns to wood and takes four times as long--which
can be an issue for people and cars. this is more of a spell than a
power anyone can do it and the finishing word can be replaced by a few
world like funnied, dashed (to dash hopes), and zombied.

___This whole time, Karol and Doug had been outlining the plot for
their upcoming novel, tentatively called "Free Will" (for
pre-ordering, please see the attached form).

___The "Enhanced" street drug needed a street name, and Brent came to
the rescue with "Sweet Lady W", which now happens to be Kim's name.

___TWO HOURS LATER, Karol and Doug were finally wrapping up the basic
plot outline. If you like good stories and have vast amounts of time
to fill i suggest you get Karol and Doug over to talk about their
book; it is a good story.

___They spent a long while talking about what animals they might find,
what animals they might kill, and what animals (of the previous two
varieties) Brent would skin and cook for everyone. They found a dead
dear on the road, but Kim vetoed the plan to throw the dear on the
roof and have all four people hold a limb for the next six hours to
keep it from falling off.

___From their observations, the following do not exist in
Pennsylvania... except, perhaps, in miniscule quantities:
* Trees
* Roads
* Rocks
* Water

:: Throws arms in general direction of last sentence
FUNNIED!

___If you didn't laugh hysterically at that last line, then you'll
need to stay tuned.

___Along the way were no fewer than 10 to power four hundred billion
cars with "Support Our Troops"-ish ribbons. Our heroes felt left out,
so Brent took the time and effort to manufacture quality ribbons at
affordable prices.
1) "Get back in the oven", a ribbon featuring flaming stars of David.
2) "The dead don't refuse", a ribbon featuring a man and a female-in-a-coffin.

___The whole trip, Brent and Kim were singing along to the music. Doug
was left out because he knows maybe 10 English songs. Karol was in a
similar situation. However, everyone in the car was a better singer
than the one and only "Cake", who couldn't fail to emphasize the wrong
words in the best songs at every possible line. Doug made the comment,
"His timing's worse than Matt's." He was forced to take it back. And like it.

___Hours later, RiverFire, Kims car, needed some fuel. Kim stopped at a gas station with GioVanni's next to it. GioVanni's is a hip arcade/bar/grill/supermarket/restroom/complex that features a cool, sunglassed pig rosting his ass off over open flames while wearing a lady-killing smile. Doug and Brent went to find the bathroom. Brent went to the urinal to pee, and Doug sat down on the stall to take a nice crap. If you didn't need to hear that, then keep reading.
Brent: "Woah, I'm glad you didn't do that in the car."
Doug: "I try."
Brent: "Aw man."
Doug: (laughter)
Brent: (laughter)
Doug: (laughter)
Brent: (laughter)
Doug: (laughter)
Brent: (laughter)
Doug: (laughter)
[enter scared-and-confused man]
Brent: Wouldn't it hurt if you shot heroin in your testicles?
Doug: I guess so.
Brent: (laughter)
Doug: (laughter)
[exit scared confused man before finishing]
Brent: (laughter)
Doug: (laughter)

___They drove on until they reached the Statue of Liberty. In
Pennsylvania. Next to a highway. Apparently Miss Liberty was
domestically abused on Ellis Island, so she ran away to Bumblefuck,
PA, so she wouldn't be found. Nice try!

___In case anyone ever tells you to go to hell, this paragraph will
help. Hell is, apparently, in the middle of nowhere, just outside of
Bumblefuck, PA. Route 666, across from the church, leads directly into
hell, sort of like in Diablo I.

___I am not sure if PA drivers are idiots or they have a lot of
tourists going to Bublefuck, but when you come up to any intersection,
rest assured that you will have at least 5 street signs telling you
what can or cannot do. For instance, when they say "Do not Enter" you
will have 8 signs of different sizes and shapes all telling you to
stay the @$#^ out. When they want you to turn left, they will enlist
the aid of an 8X8 (Yea, that's in FEET) sign with an arrow larger than
UD's construction deficit.

___Brent spent the trip looking for fireworks, screaming "fireworks"
at the locals, and generally contemplating that which is fire.
Meanwhile, Kim passed the time passing cars on the wrong side of the
road, at the wrong times, at awesome speeds.
Kim: "It was legal when we started!"

:: Throws arms in general direction of you ::
AMISHED!

___Many bands steal their names from signs and such. It is no different with the "Beer Ice Pops". Be on the lookout for their new album. they are the newest hippest band to come out of Bumblefuck, PA their signs are every where.

___If you are ever lost in Pennsylvania (in the middle of nowhere), be
on the lookout for the Red Car. It's a very unique and permanent
landmark. We should know. Kim passed it eight times.

___The four got to their cabin area around 7pm, but they didn't get to
the cabin itself until 8pm. Some might call them lost. Others would say
hopelessly lost. Both are correct. They sped down "Private Drive", a
driveway that tried to kill them with signs, dips, potholes, and
landmines. They sped past "Bullshit Blvd". They U-turned at the blind
man's house (the bastard didn't wave back!). Don't forget Jap Scrap,
the place that proves that motorcycles really do grow on trees.

___Eventually, Kim drove them to a white cabin.
Kim: "I recognize this place!"
Kim: "This is it!"
Kim: "This is it!"
Kim: "This is it!"
Kim: (anguished scream of despair)
Kim: "NOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"
Kim: "I've come up here since I was little."
Karol: "Kim, you still ARE little."
All: "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh."
Apparently, this wasn't it. After assuring the suspicious and armed
neighbors that they were, in fact, harmless college fools, they were
pointed in the direction of another white cabin that happened to be
the one that Kim was looking for.

NOW ENTERING THE BURIAL GROUNDS...

___Our heroes finally reached their destination. But just when
everything seemed safe and secure came...
(scary voice): "You shall join my army of the dead!"
All of the sudden, fire arrows whooshed past our heroes. Thwump...
thwump... came the arrows. Why, it was none other than Blood Raven
(also known as Michelle the Plastered). Blood Raven came Fire
Enchanted and Plastered right out of the box, and she had more holes
in her ears than Windows has in security. She also apparently had no
ass--as she tried to prove numerous times.

___She obviously didn't know Karol:
Blood Raven: "Don't piss me off or I'll kill you."
Blood Raven: "Don't do anything stupid or I'll kill you."
Blood Raven: "Don't drink my beer or I'll kill you."
She had a 30-pack all for herself, swearing that it would be gone by
the end of the weekend. She'd be lucky if she drank half of them by
herself, which she did not.

ROBOSEXUAL!

___As for food, they had lots of rice. And rice. And a bit of rice.
There were some other things, but Doug couldn't eat any of them. Brent
and Doug tried to work as a team to cook some rice--with some input
from Blood Raven.
"Okay, we need some water."
"No, you don't want to use that water."
"Why not?"
"Is this microwave safe?"
"You'll get sick."
"Where are the bowls?"
"What if we boil it?"
"Then it's okay."
"I think I found one."
"That's kind of small."
"That's what she said!"
"Okay, pour some water in."
"How much?"
"This much."
"But we need one part rice and one part water."
"Could you guys stop roasting marshmallows on our burner?"
"Can I have one?"
"Is it done yet?"
"Yeah I did."
"Mine is."
"How about yours?"
"Almost."
"Where's the rice?"
"We need to measure this."
"There's too much water."
"You guys suck."
"Here, use this."
"That's a coffee pot!"
"Just pour."
"Say when."
"Does it fit?"
"Let's dump it."
"No, save the good water."
"This much?"
"Okay."
"Yeah, pour that in."
"Now we need six cups of rice."
"Don't measure; just wing it."
"Um."
"Trust me."
"If you say so."
"More?"
"More."
"Um..."
"Oh god."
"That's a lot of rice."
"Add more water."
"We're all out!"
"Wing it."
"I did!"

___The bedrooms had ceilings about 7 feet high, which could mean only
one thing: Handstands with feet on the ceiling!

___Blood Raven is cool, so she listens to rap and "sex music". Our
heroes are not cool, so they listen to music that doesn't have the
word "fuck" in every other sentence. All five of these characters were
in the same zone, so there was a war. A music war. With smashing
guitars, smashing pumpkins, and smashing good times.

___Some ballroom dancing emerged, but it was shot down by Pittsburg
dancing. Which is what cool people do. But only in Pittsburg; no where
else. Blood Raven is from Pittsburg. Kim was sufficiently drunk, so
she gladly joined in on the sex, I mean dancing.

___Blood Raven also gave them some warnings on whom to hang out with
while they were there. Basically, anyone BUT the 15-year-old homosexual
boxer. Did I mention that Blood Raven was from Pittsburg?

___And thus we conclude the epic tale of the first night of the Great
Cabin Adventure of 2005.

-------------------------------------------
***
The GCA, Act II: A Bear Of A Trip
***

___Doug woke up at 8am and realized that he had not called his parents
to tell them that he was safe; if you call living in a scene straight
out of the Blair Witch Project safe. No one's phone worked, and
land-lines were nonexistent, so he ran a mile or two down the road
until he found a business with people around. He made a call on their
land-line, sending a cryptic message:
111 (the "I'm safe" signal)
141519051822090305
1915181825
Naturally, they didn't even bother to decode it.

___Brent and Doug and Kim went swimming in the river. Brent found a
clap rock like the ones in Delaware, but it was cold (not the rock;
that was warm), so he Amished the sun. Now the sun doesn't use
electricity and takes four hours longer to do its thing.

___Doug, Brent, and Karol went canoeing. Karol and Doug had never done
so before, but Doug leveled up really fast, putting his stats into
strength. Karol was KS'd by some newbs, so he didn't level at all; the
result was a boat that turned toward his side all of the time.

___Most people might claim that canoeing is an upper body workout.
Most people are wrong. As we know now, canoeing works mainly the INNER
THIGHS and TOES. Thank you, Karol. They turned back because Brent had to
crap.

___At some point, Brent and Doug mandated that everything be in terms
of Diablo II.

___It may be worth mentioning that Karol was certain that they were
all going to die, what with being in the middle of nowhere for a
weekend near Route 666. And how would they die? Zombies. They didn't
find any zombies, though, but Brent fixed things.

:: Throws arms in that direction ::
ZOMBIED!

___So Brent, Karol, and Kim went out canoeing without Doug. What Doug did in this period of time no one knows. I personally believe he turned into Optimus prime and battled the Decepticons on the moon while going to temple. So our trio set out on their canoeing trip. But this time they decided to go down stream (bad idea number 150). On their way down Karol asked another man in a canoe to trade for supplies stating that all we had to trade was peanuts. He denied our hail, so we pleaded for him to throw over spare water, which he actually took seriously. Our amazing trio stopped on an island and decided to loot it, but as they got close
they realized that there was a whole group of canoers there so they decided to go down some slight rapids and to a slammer island. They quickly conquered the island by planting their flag there and claiming it in the name of Nolte the pirate. There on this newly discovered
island, now dubbed Frog Island, they found, yep you guessed it, frogs. Thousands of tiny frogs so they kidnapped one, put it in the canoe, named it Fastso and christened it the canoe's mascot. Also found there was this awesome rock perfect for making a halberd which they are
currently in the process of making.

___So the valiant four are now starting back upstream, and in slight
rapids they cant get going but Karol, who is not allowed to paddle
because he is Polish and sucks, decides to do pelvic thrusts which
succeed in moving them 2 inches forward every thrust. Then the freshly
Amished sun decided to start working and hit the four (fatso included)
with gamma rays transforming them to the Fantastic Four. Karol
transformed into the thing and did the only useful thing he could at
that point: get out and pull the other 3 through the rapids. Once they
started paddling fast enough that we could stay in place, Karol jumped
back in and resumed pelvic thrusting. Brent tried it out for a bit,
but they decided paddling is more efficient.

___On their way back the fantastic four saw a light house and some
NASCAR chairs out front of a house with obnoxiously loud country music;
they got out of there fast. They also spotted a multi-colored fishing
hook thing, though it actually had 3 hooks on it. They were wondering
what to do with it. It could be an awesome earring, they could put it in
someone's back and load them up with gear, or use it as a nipple ring
and hook both of them together. As long as you don't have any
semblance of frame or posture, it won't hurt you a bit, and you'll
have amazing cleavage. Yea you do!!

___Brent needed to make a call, so they all town-portaled back to
town, where they found the most general general store in the world.
And a bake sale. They bought some candy cigarettes. Because that's
what cool people do. And toilet paper--because Brent used it all. They
went to the bake sale after trying to call Brent's parents. They got
some girl instead, and she probably didn't care where Brent was. The
same was probably true of his parents, but that's beside the point.

___Karol and Doug were all about climbing the mountain ("hill" to non-Delawarians), so they all set off for it. Only three could fit in the canoe, and Brent challenged Doug to do butterfly across the river. He accepted the challenge, lost his glasses in the water, and they all made it safely across. Brent's flip-flops were wet, so he decided not to wear them. Kim dropped her shoe into the water. Doug, half-blind AND color-blind, led the way.

___They climbed up and up. Karol killed a tree for Brent to use as a walking stick. As Brent was hacking off the top of the tree to make a walking stick he cut himself because he is just that cool. So he used Kim's wet sweaty sock to bandage it up. As a side note Brent was only wearing a swimming suit and the bandage to climb the mountain. As they climbed, Kim and Brent began to grow tired of the adventure. They elected to leave. As soon as they did, Karol and Doug made it to the beginning of the top, where they had to trek through three-feet-deep ferns and thorns. They kept going, using dead trees for paths. They got tired of that, so they
willed some real paths to appear.

___They followed those, but just like in video games, random obstacles
would block their way. And just like in the games, you can't go
through; you need to go around. After a while, they made it to the
top, where there was NO:
* Ancient shrine,
* Mystical mystics,
* Fountain of youth,
* Magical relics,
* Human company.

___The two walked around for a while, decided that going down the way
that they had come up was crap, and then followed these man-made
tracks the totally wrong way, gambling that they would lead the right
way at some point. Along the way, they met up with some dancing ferns.
They couldn't cha-cha, so the two went on. There was this big blob on
the right (a giant rock to people who didn't lose their glasses), and
they went to investigate.

___They found a series of BIG rocks, made of natural cement-like
stuff, cut at right angles, which were clearly the ruins of some
powerful civilization. They went forward, and Karol almost took a
piece off of one to bring back, but he decided that unleashing a hoard
of zombies was a bad idea.

___They followed the ruins for a while, and then decided that they
were helplessly lost. So, they followed a creek down the mountain,
figuring that it would lead to more water. Well, it led to something
else.
"Doug, I don't want you to panic or anything, but..."
"What?"
"There's a bear."
"Where?"
"There."
"I can't see it."
"Crap."
"What?"
"It just did the thing. With the arms."
"Bring it."
"Let's go this way."
"But--"
"Just go."
"Get off me!"
"But I want a weapon, too."
"You're blind; you'll kill me instead."
"I want a knife."
"I need two."

___Their adventure ended after hours of flies buzzing around their
heads, ears, and eyes, and also IN their ears and eyes, too. After
having all their stamina drained, they eventually found a path that
led to a dirt road. Twenty feet from where they started. Just as Karol
said they would.

___They came back to find that Blood Raven was all over the 15-year
old effeminate gothic boxer like a hobo on a ham sandwich. And he was
putting makeup on his immediate minions. And Blood Raven. Jiwana the
boxer became Corpse Fire the [Rob] Zombie. This kid was NOT funny. In
any way. Unless you looked at his face. He was even worse than Kenny,
and I do not say that lightly.

___Brent began whittling his walking stick with a knife, and a
whittling party ensued Karol worked on the pole for his halberd and
Kim made chop sticks for Doug's rice upon Doug's request. Brent
finished the walking stick so he moved on to whittling and cleaning
this wooden goblet that Karol found in the river. At this point Kim
brings out beer which had been frozen in the freezer from hell. So
Brent Kim and Karol crack open their beers. Brent's and Kim's oozes
out beer ice pop and they get to drinking, Karol's beer does nothing
and he exclaims, "My beer is Polish". This causes Brent to crack up and
spit beer on Kim.
Kim: You just spit beer on me!!
Brent: Yea I did!
Doug (almost passed out on a tube): Brent that is why I love you, your
brutal honesty; you don't offer to help or say sorry, you just say,"
YEA I DID IT".
You just witnessed the birth of a catchphrase that also like "Amished" comes in many variety too numerous to list here listen to us talk to each other you will figure it out.

___Then they found a huge toad, aptly named it Tiny, and put it in an inner tube.

___Between sessions of whittling, our heroes did the unthinkable, the
impossible, the amazing, they built fire on water! The plan first came
to them in the early hours of the day and had been being refined
throughout. Here's how it went down. Spotting a nice cluster of rocks
a few feet into the water, they began pilling more rocks on top until
they were above the water. Brent found a nice flat one for part of the
top, and Kim stole a piece of cement from the foundation (I hope that
wasn't important) for the other part. Now, having a good base, they
set off to find firewood. This was extremely hard, because there were
no trees to speak of. So, Doug and Karol willed some into existence
and, !!voila!!, firewood. Brent took over the lighting of the fire,
and ordered the others to gather kindling. Doug made some fags, and
there were plenty of jokes concerning this, including but not limited
to Doug cuddling two fags, and "a fag in the hand is worth two in the
bush" (or closet, as the case may be). Doug tried to fall asleep with
two fags, one in each arm. The wind helped it along, and it was
burning hot before long. Now there was only one thing left to do: cook
on the fire. So they gathered all they had that could be cooked on a
fire: marshmallows, hotdogs, and corn, everything else was fire proof.
Everyone did marshmallows in the traditional way, on a stick, except
for Doug who used a specially crafted extend-o-pole (fork duct taped
to stick duct taped to another stick held from dry land). Corn was
placed on the rocks around the fire till the husks were burnt. Brent
came up with a whole new method for roasting hotdogs where he put at
least 6 on a machete. The fire was largely a success, and warranted
many strange looks from Blood Raven, Corpse Fire and other random
boaters.

___So Brent gets his rum out of the freezer from hell and realizes
that it is frozen. How this occurred no one will know but it did. So
Brent pours out rum slushies and passes them out. Kim and Karol get
the frozen cranberry juice out of the freezer from hell and mix them.
In order to get the top off the frozen cranberry juice and scrape it
out water ice they decide to machete it. This fails miserably as it
bounces off loudly. Apparently PA has resistance to huge knives. So
Karol pulls out a bowie knife from his inventory to the rescues to cut
off the top.

___After that they had these horrible cranberry water ices. They were so
terrible in fact that they could not stop eating them no matter how bad
they were and how much they disliked cranberries.

___During the water ice torture, Kim decided it was high time for some
swing dancing, but not just any ol' swing dancing, the kind where
someone leaves the ground (usually the girl, but with this crowd you
just never know.) So, Karol and Kim learned some new moves, and they
looked pretty good if they do say so themselves (and they do!) [YEA
THEY DID!!] Karol threw Kim around like so many sacks of potatoes, and
she loved it. Then it was Doug's turn.
"Put your hand on her lower back"
"Ok"
"No, lower"
"Lower?"
"How much lower"
"Just get to her lower back"
"Um, that's not her lower back"
[Hilarious laughing]
"What?!?"
"There is a difference between ass and lower back"
"Hey!!"
"Try here"
"Ok"

Doug: 1, 2, jump
Kim: WOAH!! Ok, that didn't quite go as planned. try again. *repeat*
Karol: Here let me show you

___Now, instead of demonstrating what Doug should do by doing it with
Kim, he tried it with Doug. Needless to say, this was quite a sight.
To sum up, Doug and Kim tried many times with Karol's assistance until
the heavens opened up, light streamed down on Doug, and behold! He had
hips!

___Why, you may ask? Doug is a computer programmer. He also has ZERO sense of body. Therefore, he needs things that involve cuban motion, cuban cigars, and cuban immigrants handled in an easy step-by-step manner.
"Look, give it to me in steps."
"Okay, fine. Step 1: hold her like this."
"I follow."
"Step two."
[WHACK]
"What the hell!?"
"Did you just whack Brent on the ass with a machete?"
"YEAH I DID!"

___They tried again.
"All right, step 1... hold her like... this, right?"
"Yup."
"Step two..."
[WHACK]
[laughter]
"Okay, and on to step three..."

___In accordance with plans, our heroes returned to the fire to cause
mischief be the little pyros they know they are. Raiding the cabin for
anything flammable they could find, they came up with rubbing alcohol
and lamp oil. Brent, being generally fearless (or dumb) got the fire
going again and proceeded to pour flammable liquids directly onto it.
The end result was somewhat of a let down, but that did not daunt him.
He simply carried on, pouring on more and more.

___Meanwhile, the other 3 remained on the bank, leaving the hard stuff
to Brent. Kim sat on a rock and tried numerous but fruitless times to
throw small sticks into the fire. She did succeed however in hitting
Brent in the face. Haha, take that! That'll teach you to spit beer on
me!

:: Throws arms in general direction of you ::
AMISHED!

___Kim was also getting chilly at this point (we're not in Delaware
anymore, Toto), but getting close to the fire meant getting into the
water; no good: cold water. But wait, there's an inner tube with a
bottom on it. So, Kim turned it upside down and scooted herself out to
the fire, leaving a rope attached to her tube lying on the ground.
Armed with a large stick to maneuver herself around, she was pretty
comfy, until Karol decided Kim would have more fun floating down
river. However, his attempts to pull her away from the fire and send
her off were useless against Kim's skills with the big stick.

___Most of the gear that they had brought down for the earlier cooking had
been brought in, but Doug discovered his fork, from the extend-o-pole,
and being the lazy person we all know and love, he threw it in the
general direction of the cabin with hopes of finding it later. And to
everyone's surprise, it was found much later, in fact, the next
morning.

___Throughout this great adventure, our heroes had seen and done some
amazing things, but one thing was still lacking: zombies. After much
discussion it was determined that, in fact, real zombies would be bad.
Interestingly enough, it was also determined that the reason people in
movies never seem to be able to escape from zombies is that they
always move really fast when you're not looking. Much like in the game
red-light/green-light. Looking at a zombie is equivalent to saying
"red light." In keeping with earlier themes, the question of what
would happen if you AMISHED a zombie was raised. Do they churn butter
really fast when you're not looking?

___Meanwhile, Doug did battle with his nemesis, Timmy the Tumor, on his
left arm. No, there was not blood on his face and all over his hands.

STEP TWO!
[WHACK]

___Blood Raven showed up again, firing arrows from time to time,
bitching them out about how they should be nice to the ass-hole 15-year
old effeminate gothic boxer Corpse Fire.

---------------------------
***
The GCA, Act III: He's going for... SpEEd
***

___The next morning, the heroic band of men decide that 8 AM is a
great time to naturally wake up after an exhausting near death day.
Brent wakes up and thinks he see Karol in the bottom bunk and Doug in
the top bunk. Though, it would be a hilarious joke, they just had
their hair down. As we all know, all guys who look like girls look the
same at a distance. Add in some morning drowsiness and you have no
idea who is who. They decided to go outside and chat, as to not wake
anyone in the house. However, PA forgot to pay their heating bill, so
the sun doesn't heat up anything in the immediate area of Bumblefuck?
in the middle of Summer!! Blood Raven starts yelling at them from the
cabin that there are other people sleeping at this hour so they should
shut the hell up. Though after her message, we doubt anyone was really
sleeping.

___The trio jump in a canoe and head upstream for a change, hoping
that they can make if farther than last time. Blazing through the water
at a speed relative to a toddler crawling on land, they eventually made
it to a series of inlets and islands that caused the water to rapid a
bit here and there. Instead of using pure muscle power, they beached the
canoe on an inlet and carried it across the rocks. Karol tried to
carry it, but as usual, he forgot shoes. Doug and Brent powered the
canoe to the other side where we paddled sideways to an island
previously untouched by man. Then Brent touched it. Touched with a
massive pile of shit. There was a dog barking at them from across the
river, but when Brent was doing his business it became really quite
agitated. Money was placed whether or not the dog would wade the
stream to beat the crap all the way out of Brent. Meanwhile, the only
thing on Brent's mind was:
"Man, I hope I don't pee on my shorts. That would suck. Yea it would!"

____Now to go back, they had a choice between the route they came, riding the rapids, or avoiding the rapids by hugging the land. Bad idea 753, riding rapids in a canoe. By the time they get close to them and realize they would most certainly die, they tried to run away.
"Um, we're turning around."
"Turn around!"
"I can't!"
"Rotate!"
"Oh god!"
"Don't hit the... shit."
"That's not good."
"Get out!"
"Do you need my help?"
"YES!"

___They got back, but Kim was nowhere to be found. However, when
asked, Doug replied convincingly, "Over there," as he was taught by
his uncle Billy. It was later discovered that Kim had taken a stroll
down the river, or rather, somewhat in the river since the bank is not
quite navigable in places, and returned via the road. Upon returning,
all decided it was time to shower (which Kim did rather reluctantly)
and also once more time to eat. With much whining, Doug finally
finished off the massive mound of rice from the first night. And then,
it was time to part with the cabin and call and end to their
adventures... or so they thought.

___After packing and straightening up, they bid an overdue farewell to
Blood Raven and her cohorts and set off down the road. First stop: the
now closed inn at the end of the driveway. On Kim's walk she had
spotted a sign that simply had to be hers. A "NO TURNING" sign was
nailed to the inn which raised the question of how anyone ever got in
or out of the parking lot without turning. Doug removed it with ease
and stashed the prize in the car before Kim began to drive away,
leaving Doug still half outside the car. In an attempt to jump in, he
hit his spine on the top of Kim's car.

:: Throws arms in that direction ::
ZOMBIED!

___Next stop: Junction 666, spotted on the drive up. Fun pictures were
taken at the sign and also at a curious sign bearing a name none of
the four could pronounce (see pictures).

___Brent, a very unique character, decided to eat all of the remaining hot dogs by himself, giving him, in no connection with the previous sentence, the power to exude stink. Perhaps that was because of the following list:
* 21 disgusting things on Brent for extended amounts of time that you
do NOT want on yourself:
· Lamp oil
· Rubbing Alcohol
· Fire
· Crap
· River water
· Hot dog juice
· Sweat
· Corn
· Beer
· Dirt
· Blood
· Foot sweat
· Toad piss
· Millipede spit
· Wood shavings
· Poisonous plant liquids
. Fungus
. The Clap
. Your mom
. Cranberry juice
. Variety melon

___When back in the car, the four immediately began recounting the
events of this amazing weekend. Karol eventually stunned the others
with his amazing talent of sleeping in any number of uncomfortable
positions, until finally he ended up with his head back and his mouth
open. This opportunity was too good to pass up, and having a box of
cheez-its on hand, it was only too obvious what would happen. Brent,
somewhat fearful of his life, ventured to slip a cheesy cracker into
Karol's open mouth. Everyone watched patiently with stifled snickers,
even Kim who had a clear view in her mirror. After what seemed an
agonizing 5 minutes, Karol awoke, ate the cracker and promptly
declared, "give me more." At which point the others laughed and handed
over the box. It was not until two hours later that Karol posed the
question, "Hey, how did cheese get in my mouth, anyway?"

___Also in this period Brent expressed his desire to acquire a can of
white spray paint and cover all the P's on signs like "PASS WITH
CARE."

___After awhile, at Kim's suggestion, a game of word association
ensued. Such astonishing associations as zombies, Amish, wood, fire,
Jews, etc. kept all in stitches for much longer than any sane person
would have put up with. Next, at Doug's suggestion, came the birth of
the longest, most morphed story about a man on a farm ever to be
created one word at a time.

___Dinner time arrived just as our heroes were entering Harrisburg.
Brent suggested Chinese, and all were getting ready to ask for
directions from someone random, when low and behold, what did they see
before them but a Chinese restaurant. The food was mediocre, but the
jokes kept rolling and they were by far the rowdiest table in the
joint. Doug, of course, ordered a simple bowl of rice, much to the
amusement of the waiter, and proceeded to dump massive amounts of
sugar in his water. Out of nowhere, Brent asks how did the brothel of
Asian girls appear. According to some expert, whales travel in pods,
lions : prides, wolves : packs, Asian girls : brothels.

___Upon receiving a call from The Dude, Kim got up to take her phone
call outside (Bad idea number 901). Unbeknownst to Kim, the others
proceeded to fill her water with anything soluble on the table: salt,
sugar, etc., while getting confused looks and chuckles from the
waiter. When she came back, she noted a bit of salt on her plate, but
thought nothing of it, and continued to eat for several minutes.
Meanwhile, the others are all making other jokes to mask laughter
concerning her drink. The waiter approached and asked how it tasted,
and Kim, assuming he was referring to her meal, confirmed that it was
fine, and went on eating. Finally thirsty Kim picked up her glass
(expecting something cool and refreshing), sipped, paused, closed her eyes,
spit slowly back into cup, put the cup down, looked up at the waiter, asked
for a new glass of water, and burst out laughing, realizing that she
was the butt of a great joke.

___At this point in time, Brent decided that it would be a good idea (as if) to see what it would be like to be an Amish zombie. And what do Amish zombies do? Churn butter. Very, very slowly. And eat women (because, clearly, all Amish people eat women). So, Brent was churning some butter in slow, slow motion when we looked away. Now, thanks to our previous research, we all know that zombies immediately move 100 times faster when you're not looking. So, Brent the Amish zombie proceeded to churn butter at lightning speeds. Of course, it sure as hell didn't look like churning butter. And the moaning sounds that he was making did not help to reinforce the proper image. Let's just say that Brent was the object of terrified stares for the next hour.

___Back in the car again and leaving the parking lot, Kim's car, which
had been noted on the entire drive to have no kind of pick up
whatsoever, suddenly jumped forward, so to speak.
Brent: "Kim, whatever you just did, it made your car go fast. Do it again."
They had no sooner gotten back onto the highway when ---
Kim: "Uh, guys. The gas light's on."
"How long?"
"I don't know?"
"Find an exit."
"There!"
"We're coasting!"
"That's a red-light!"
"Veer right!"
"I just lost power steering"

___Karol and Doug jumped out the back and pushed the car through the
red light (but they veered right, so it was legal) and right up to the
gas pump of a station with a very unfriendly and unhelpful attendant.
Luckily, Brent switched on the hazard lights so as not to alarm the
car coming dangerously near them, and of course, they were laughing
hysterically the whole way.

___In Newark, it is damn hard to travel from point A to point B
without going down a series of one-way streets that may or may not
curve around in a pointless fashion. This is now decreed to be a
"Newark Clover" in the traffic encyclopedia. This band of adventures
have done so much, that they inadvertently made a Newark Clover. Not
across a few streets, but across of the greater southern area of the
entire STATE! They visited York, which was not as good as the sequel;
there weren't enough people on the streets. They also saw a giant house
in the shape of a shoe, but no children were running around it, so they
assumed it was fake.

___Being patient for the last 55 hours, Karol decides to vent his
rage on Brent the Navigator. Unfortunately, Brent was sitting in front
of Karol, and Karol had all the knives and weapons with him in the
back seat. Showing a moderate amount of restraint, he reached around
the seat, started choking Brent, and banging him in the back of the
seat repeatedly. He really wanted to go home at this point.
Inadvertantely, they discovered the newest and best method to getting
washboard after the Ab-Abber2000. Laughing for 6-8 hours straight,
with no break will chisel you like a golden Greek god, beware.

"That's a stop sign"
"No, it is most definitely not an octagon--it has nine sides!"
"Keep going!"

After 56 hours of adventuring, they were all happy to be in a "normal"
village like Newark. They raided the closest 7-11 to get Slurpees and
headed to Kim's house to finish them.

"So, are we all just standing here because we don't want the weekend to end?"
"Yes."

And now, on to step two.

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